Good Samaritarian with st. Peter

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever doneanything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered."Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang ofbikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, backoff, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was very impressed .... "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Don't Copy if you can't paste.

At training program for top management.
A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had attended the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost ten seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was ! "As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.

Socrates not Descartes

In ancient Greece, scholar and intellectual, Dr. Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about one of your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Dr. Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the man.
"That's right," Dr. Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and wanted to tell it to you"
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary, it is bad"
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really." Replied the man.
"Well," concluded Dr. Socrates, if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, and nor even useful to me, why tell it to me at all ."

Blond

A blonde motorist was two hours from San Diego when a man whose truck had broken down flagged her down.The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next few hours here fixing my truck. My problem is I've promised to get two chimpanzees to the San Diego Zoo today. They're a bit stressed already and I don't want them stuck here in the truck for such a long time. Could you possiblytake them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of theblonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat ! belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he saw something that horrified him! There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with thetwo chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars totake these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes I know, and I did that," said the blonde, "but we still hadmoney left over so we decided to go to the movies."

Just a second

A man was praying to god.
He said, "God ?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny ?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!....... just a second

Cost effective solution

The phone rings.The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward was sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Funny

# Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.

# seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!

# seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
we need your heads to run our business.
# A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....

#THE BEST ONE:
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."
- Indian Armed Forces

Check before Complaining

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
Thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
Her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
Could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing
Loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
Her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
You. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and S O on until you get a
Response.

" That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he
Was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's
See what happens." then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
Dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from
His wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
His wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no
Response
So He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up
Behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?" ;;;;"James, for the FIFTH time I've
Said, CHICKEN!"


Moral of the story:

The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could
Be very much within us ..!

English - An expressive Language

§ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
§ Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
§ Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
§ The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
§ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
§ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
§ When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
§ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
§ A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
§ A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
§ Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
§ We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
§ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
§ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
§ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
§ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
§ A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
§ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
§ A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
§ Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
§ A backward poet writes inverse.
§ In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes
§ A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
§ If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
§ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
§ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
§ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
§ The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
§ A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
§ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
§ He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
§ A calendar's days are numbered.
§ A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
§ A boiled egg is hard to beat.
§ He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
§ A plateau is a high form of flattery
§ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
§ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
§ When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
§ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
§ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
§ Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Misconceptions, boss!

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable ! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had About food and diets..........

Beware of your attorney

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

So to Speak

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it-mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT, AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Word of the Wise

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20.00 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Word of the Wise

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20.00 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Advice

The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right.

In giving advice seek to help, not to please, your friend.

It is very difficult to live among people you love and hold back from offering them advice.

THIS APPEARED ON A CLASSIFIEDS COLUMN

What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makesat least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep inmind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don'tthink I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives?Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes averagearound 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class whowas married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's notas pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doingright? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt myfeelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper eastside so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who havenothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen dropdead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's thestory there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investmentbanker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do theyhang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking forMARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honestway. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up frontabout it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn'table to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping anice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercialinterestsPostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWERDear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfullyabout your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits yourbill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how Isee it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simplea crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., whatyou suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is verylikely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty thatyou won't be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not abuy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good businesssense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard tobelieve that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a try out.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know."
Jorge Luis Garay

Silent Monastary

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You're welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 Years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." "Cold food." said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15 anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. It's probably best," said the Priest, "you've done nothing but bitch since you got here.

Deja Vu

I was having a conversation with my Project Manager (PM) during a deadline when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. I asked my PM "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which the PM answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"

Management Story

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Management Learning: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.