English - An expressive Language

§ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
§ Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
§ Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
§ The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
§ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
§ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
§ When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
§ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
§ A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
§ A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
§ Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
§ We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
§ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
§ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
§ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
§ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
§ A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
§ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
§ A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
§ Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
§ A backward poet writes inverse.
§ In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes
§ A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
§ If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
§ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
§ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
§ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
§ The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
§ A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
§ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
§ He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
§ A calendar's days are numbered.
§ A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
§ A boiled egg is hard to beat.
§ He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
§ A plateau is a high form of flattery
§ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
§ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
§ When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
§ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
§ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
§ Acupuncture: a jab well done.

So to Speak

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it-mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT, AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!