Funny

# Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.

# seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!

# seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
we need your heads to run our business.
# A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....

#THE BEST ONE:
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."
- Indian Armed Forces

English - An expressive Language

§ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
§ Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
§ Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
§ The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
§ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
§ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
§ When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
§ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
§ A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
§ A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
§ Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
§ We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
§ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
§ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
§ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
§ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
§ A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
§ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
§ A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
§ Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
§ A backward poet writes inverse.
§ In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes
§ A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
§ If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
§ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
§ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
§ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
§ The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
§ A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
§ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
§ He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
§ A calendar's days are numbered.
§ A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
§ A boiled egg is hard to beat.
§ He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
§ A plateau is a high form of flattery
§ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
§ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
§ When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
§ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
§ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
§ Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Misconceptions, boss!

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable ! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had About food and diets..........

Beware of your attorney

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."