Chase

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 km/hr, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Beware of Politicians

*Salary & Govt. Concessions for a Member of Parliament (MP) Monthly Salary : 12,000
Expense for Constitution per month : 10,000
Office expenditure per month : 14,000
Traveling concession (Rs. 8 per km) : 48,000 ( eg.For a visit from kerala to Delhi & return: 6000 km)
Daily DA TA during parliament meets : 500
Charge for 1 class (A/C) in train : Free (For any number of times) (All over India)
Charge for Business Class in flights : Free for 40 trips / year (With wife or P.A.)
Rent for MP hostel at Delhi : Free
Electricity costs at home : Free up to 50,000 units
Local phone call charge : Free up to 1,70,000 calls.
TOTAL expense for a MP per year : 32,00,000
TOTAL expense for 5 years : 1,60,00,000
For 534 MPs, the expense for 5 years : 8,54,40,00,000 (nearly 855 cores)
And they are elected by THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, by the largest democratic. process in the world, not intruded into the
parliament on their own or by any qualification. This is how all our tax money is been swallowed and price hike on
our regular commodities.......
Think of the great democracy we have.............

Cannot be coincidence !

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

- Stephen Wright

Telemarketing Call

what we can possibly do when we get "those" calls..The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening
meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this
Karl Brummer?"
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who
was calling.
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band
Powered Freezer Company, or something like that.
Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why
was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get
some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood
smears." I then turned back to the phone and advised the
caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay
on the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder
case.I questioned the caller at great length as to his name,
address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked
for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where
he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his
answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we
had located his position and the police were entering the
building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the
phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had
tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't
tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it
was the best meal I'd had in a long, long time.

Manjuism!

Don't lie through your teeth

Don't play the devil's advocate with me

I fell from fry-pan to the fire (?)

Good riddance of the bad rubbish

Slup of the Ting

Hell Broke Loose

Take it with a pinch of salt

From frying pan to the fire.

Old wine in the new bottle.

An Ugly Truth ?

http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/flash.htm#Main

57 rules of boozing.

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
3. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
4. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
5. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to Old Monk.
6. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
7. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
8. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
9. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
10. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
11. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
12. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
13. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing:urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
14. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
15. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
16. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
17. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
18. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
19. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
20. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
21. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
22. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
23. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender`s guide and browse through all the drinks you`ve never tried.
24. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
25. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
26. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
27. It's okay to drink alone.
28. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
29. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
30. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
31. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
32. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
33. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
34. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
35. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
36. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink" has never worked.
37. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
38. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
39. If you are broke and a friend is sporting you, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
40. If you are broke and a friend is making sport of you, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
41. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
42. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
43. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
44. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller Old Monk is yours.
45. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
46. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they`re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
47. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
48. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. Old Monk makes you the King.
49. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
50. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
51. When you`re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he`s buying.
52. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
53. There`s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you`re supposed to be at work.
54. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
55. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there`s something in it.
56. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
57. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

A Management Lesson!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, " Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, " And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, " Big John has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."

Rules of flying

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.