57 rules of boozing.
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
3. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
4. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
5. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to Old Monk.
6. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
7. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
8. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
9. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
10. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
11. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
12. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
13. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing:urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
14. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
15. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
16. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
17. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
18. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
19. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
20. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
21. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
22. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
23. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender`s guide and browse through all the drinks you`ve never tried.
24. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
25. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
26. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
27. It's okay to drink alone.
28. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
29. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
30. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
31. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
32. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
33. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
34. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
35. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
36. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink" has never worked.
37. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
38. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
39. If you are broke and a friend is sporting you, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
40. If you are broke and a friend is making sport of you, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
41. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
42. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
43. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
44. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller Old Monk is yours.
45. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
46. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they`re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
47. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
48. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. Old Monk makes you the King.
49. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
50. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
51. When you`re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he`s buying.
52. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
53. There`s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you`re supposed to be at work.
54. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
55. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there`s something in it.
56. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
57. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
2. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
3. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
4. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
5. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to Old Monk.
6. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
7. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
8. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
9. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
10. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
11. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
12. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
13. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing:urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
14. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
15. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
16. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
17. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
18. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
19. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
20. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
21. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
22. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
23. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender`s guide and browse through all the drinks you`ve never tried.
24. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
25. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
26. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
27. It's okay to drink alone.
28. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
29. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
30. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
31. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
32. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
33. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
34. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
35. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
36. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink" has never worked.
37. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
38. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
39. If you are broke and a friend is sporting you, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
40. If you are broke and a friend is making sport of you, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
41. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
42. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
43. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
44. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller Old Monk is yours.
45. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
46. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they`re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
47. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
48. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. Old Monk makes you the King.
49. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
50. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
51. When you`re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he`s buying.
52. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
53. There`s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you`re supposed to be at work.
54. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
55. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there`s something in it.
56. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
57. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
posted by Ramchander at 7:22 AM
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